Western Branch Diesel Charleston Wv
It's okay to take a step back. So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one.
Even if your husband has primary custody of the kids. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. We are learning more about each other as we go. There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. It will teach them to do the same some day. Remember number one? Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with.
We all have the potential to be amazing. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. Don't compare yourself to other stepparents. Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. For me, that changed everything. If you've got to let it out, limit your thoughts to a very close, trusted friend, or even better, tell it to your counselor or therapist. This was initially a tough one for me, because I thought my girls needed me to act just like I was their mom. Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships.
You and your husband need to be each other's refuge, particularly when you're having issues with your children or stepchildren. And who wants to write about that? We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. I now believe that a good stepmom is physically/emotionally available when her stepkids need and want her to be, and she backs off and becomes a behind-the-scenes supporter to her husband's parenting when they don't. I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't. And the experience actually ended up being a huge bonding point for my husband and me. One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. And the girls came to live with us seven days a week. Follow Lindsay on her Facebook page. Going to see a counselor helped me stop beating myself up and allowed me to realize that what we were experiencing was actually NORMAL. I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. Girl, you don't need a parade. Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. But then puberty happened.
In retrospect, that was a HUGE mistake. Image via Zaman Babu/Flickr Creative Commons. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. Protect your marriage at all costs. Don't play the blame game.
Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault. Don't let it get you down. Embrace it, and make the most of it. We've had many, many wonderful times together. We are all messed up, but you know what? To be fair, things started out great. And I had two small children of my own. You might need to visit a few counselors/therapists before you find the one that's right for you. Silence is the best policy.
My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter. I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. Do you know that I hear your exact same problems from nearly every blended family that comes in this room? This is simply what I have learned from my experience. Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. I really, really, really needed to hear that.
And in the end, that's what matters. "You guys are doing great! What a waste of energy. It wasn't until a few years ago that I confided my feelings of failure to a counselor, who promptly informed me that what my family and I were experiencing was actually very, very common. I am more reluctant to judge others. Which brings us to number three. And then all hell breaks loose. As wonderful as I'm sure you are, you can't fix that. How did I not know this? Now that I have raised my stepdaughters and had time to look back on the experience, I feel like I ran a gauntlet of tremendous emotional challenges and came across the finish line truly changed. You can tell from a quick glance at my blog bio that I'm a stepmother -- but I almost never write about it.
I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. You may agree -- you may disagree. I still believe I'm here for a reason. You can't fix what you didn't break. But know up front that I am going to limit this subject and its details to MY story, not the story of my stepdaughters or their mother. Over and over and over again. If childrearing issues are pulling you apart, pinpoint exactly what's hurting your marriage and protect your relationship in this area immediately and relentlessly. I thought it was all my fault, and I was so ashamed at my failure that for years, I didn't tell anyone what was going on.
My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. YOU'RE DOING GREAT! " That's theirs to tell, if they choose. One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. Even if they CALL you mom. I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic. I am gentler with myself. I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. Remember what I said earlier? Stick with it and know that you will emerge from this a better person. Even if their biological mother rarely sees them. You are not their mother.
You've almost made it through! So many issues a blended family faces come from the divorce, which the stepmother (hopefully) had nothing to do with.