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Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. Girl, you don't need a parade. If you've got to let it out, limit your thoughts to a very close, trusted friend, or even better, tell it to your counselor or therapist. Over and over and over again.
One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. Remember number one? Ultimately, zealously protecting your marriage benefits everyone -- your stepchildren need to see you and your husband stay together and fight for your relationship, even when times are tough. It's okay to take a step back. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. I am more reluctant to judge others. I now believe that a good stepmom is physically/emotionally available when her stepkids need and want her to be, and she backs off and becomes a behind-the-scenes supporter to her husband's parenting when they don't. Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. Follow Lindsay on her Facebook page. We've had many, many wonderful times together. "They tell me ALL their secrets! " One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one.
As wonderful as I'm sure you are, you can't fix that. Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with. More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. Embrace it, and make the most of it. We all have the potential to be amazing. Don't let it get you down. You are not their mother. Maybe you even think your husband is to blame, because he always seems to take their side.
We are all imperfect. I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't. Even if your husband has primary custody of the kids. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " And the girls came to live with us seven days a week. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships. "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic.
You and your husband need to be each other's refuge, particularly when you're having issues with your children or stepchildren. Suddenly, I felt like my relationship with my stepdaughters was disintegrating -- and nothing I did or didn't do seemed to help matters. What a waste of energy. My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome. This is simply what I have learned from my experience. A counselor can be wonderful at helping you do this. Don't play the blame game. And who wants to write about that?
I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. Stick with it and know that you will emerge from this a better person. Two, throughout most of the time I've been blogging, my stepdaughters were teenagers and they certainly didn't need or want me to be writing about them at that sensitive time in their lives. You may agree -- you may disagree. YOU'RE DOING GREAT! " Don't compare yourself to other stepparents. My own stepfather said this to me a few years ago. Three, writing about step parenting while you're in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about divorce as you're going through it -- emotions are running rampant and very few writers can steer through the subject with grace and objectivity. So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider. Which brings us to number three. There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. Even if their biological mother rarely sees them.
I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. Silence is the best policy. Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. Now that I have raised my stepdaughters and had time to look back on the experience, I feel like I ran a gauntlet of tremendous emotional challenges and came across the finish line truly changed.